Leaving Home

If you are like me, kindergarten was the first place that I was sent against my will. I was taken away from the safety of parents, my home, my pets, and toys. I did not understand how my Mama could do without me there, to be her best friend. At school, they would not let me sit atop the swing set or walk along the fence. I admit, I felt a little lost and forlorn. On the bright side, I was given my own little tub of paste with a little plastic paddle so that I could stick someone else's pictures on my paper and make them mine. At least the days were short, I was brave and quiet, and I managed those two years of transition without much complaint.

The next real blow was the summer after second grade when I was sent off to Girl Scout Camp for ten days. As I remember, I was continually repeating to myself that Daddy said, 'it would very fun' and continually trying to forget that I had told myself, 'it just might not'. Sadly, I was correct in assuming that the other girls in the cabin might not be so friendly. And, no, the food was not as good as Mama's. I don't know how I stood it because every night, I had to walk up the long path through the woods, heading for the yellow light bulb glowing over the outhouse door, alone. I worried that my dog might not remember me when I got back. I did not like it there. And the letter from my parents, with chewing gum inside, was immediately confiscated by the counselors. I didn't really see why they had paid so much money for me to come so far away to be so unhappy. Gee, it was so much more fun, at home.
The yearly sessions at camp or camps went on for most of my youth and thankfully, became enjoyable adventures. I learned to make friends and to know that home would still be there when I got back.

The next time I felt any real sense of separation again was when I went away to college. But even then, my Father called me every Friday afternoon and I would happily sit in a little cubbyhole in the lobby and talk as long as he could be away from his work. I was seventeen and he was still my best Beau. I remember hiding my sadness when he told me at the beginning of the second term that he would be calling every other week from now on, so that I could learn to be more independent. I wonder now, which of us was more brave, facing that? But, it didn't take too long to realize that college life was wonderful and I kept at it for a decade – but home was always still there for the holidays and still the place I called “my house”, even when I had lived in my own apartment for some years.

It was only when I packed up all of my belongings and stored them at my Aunt's or with friends who wanted to use this or that or into my parents attic and downstairs storage rooms that I began to feel the permanence of really, leaving home. I filled two army duffel bags with clothes and presents, left my parents broken hearts in the airport and set off to live in another country. I had a one way ticket with People's Express to New York and on to England. By the time I tried to collect my baggage at Gatwick, there was only one. Half of everything I owned was gone in one fail swoop. I tearfully, rode a bus to town, thanked my lucky stars to have 85 pounds less to drag down into the subway and onto the Boat train and was smiling again by the time I reached the huge ferry which took me on a 24 hour crossing of the rough, North Sea.

I would not see my parents home again for many years. By the time I got back, they had remodeled and built on and gotten older. It was not 'my house' anymore. I was heartily welcomed but I was only a visitor. It is only right to leave home and make your way out there with the strangers. Most of us are trained to take that leap from our very, early years. Step by step our parents ween us and teach us and even push us sometimes, toward the unknown. But, it is only when we are really able, due to maturity or chance, opportunity or lack there-of, money or promise of it, a love so strong we will leave everything to keep it or a mission that powers greater than our own compels us, that we brave the unknown and go.