How Can We Influence Our Children's Choice Of Mates?

As a parent we are often tortured by the continual parade of young prospective suitors or girlfriends that are brought before us; long haired, pierced, tattooed, Gothic, smokers, drinkers, or drop-outs. Even more confusing are the Eddie Hascles, all smiles on the outside and deceiving deviants behind your back, or the smiling girls that are so pretty yet secretly self- centered or the popular, tall, sport stars that are strong and good looking but don't have an ounce of common sense or maybe......... oh my, it can be scary.
If only we could chose for our children, wouldn't it be easier?
So if we could direct our children toward the perfect match, just what qualities would we chose?
Similarities in values are helpful, trust comes to mind, love of course and support - we want them to have the creature comforts and we know money doesn't always grow on parents. We know that there are many challenges ahead for them.
The demands of our modern society are great and we struggle to keep our heads up under all of the constant stress. Our work week takes us away from home for much of each day and for most days of each year. Every new, time saving device, costs us much money and then the continual monthly payments for the connection services tax us even heavier. We know that we need to eat healthy food but it is expensive and time consuming to prepare. We want to live in clean and comfortable, sometimes even beautiful homes and they demand expensive upkeep and renewal. Our much deserved and greatly needed entertainment takes huge chunks of our hard earned money yet it seems that the fun is over almost before it begins. We leave, we work, we return, we work, we rest and then we begin again. With each new child that comes into the family new accommodations are needed and college funds begun. With each year we age, we see our beauty and our strength first accumulate until we reach our prime and then we slowly level off and then deteriorate. We have less and less time and more and more responsibilities.
We know all of these things are going to challenge our children just as they have challenged us. To make it happily through this life our children would have it much easier with a helper, a confidant, and a true love. They will need a partner to see them through the hardships and bring a smile to their face at the end of the day. They need a mate that has the ability to give without a wish to be rewarded. They need someone who will go beyond what is asked of them, one who will do what needs to be done, even when it is late or they are tired or they feel they have already done their share.We want to help our child find the right partner. What qualities would this right partner possess?
People that have the ability to put another's well being before their own have empathy and understanding. They have love which spills freely from their happy, giving heart.These are the one's we would pick.
But, of course, we cannot hope for our child to be paired successfully with one who is giving, if they are not also, a giving soul. Even the best among us can be downtrodden and worn out by abuse. We want our child to have self respect and reasonable limits to their giving. Our goal is not to raise Buddhist monks who have only the robe on their back and an alms bowl. We want to help our children become self-sufficient while still being caring individuals. For our children to mature into such individuals we must instill these qualities into them as they grow, so that they too, will be a perfect match.
But how do we do this, how do we help nurture a giving spirit in our children? Of course, we teach them with our words. We take them to school and Synagogue or Church. We try to chose the right people to surround them and we place them in supportive, enjoyable groups. We tell them stories with a lesson and we reward them with smiles and words of praise. We give them hugs when they are good and we frown when they are disappointing. It is the occupational hazard of being a parent - to lecture, to nag, to continually teach. It is not surprising that they begin to shrug us off and leave the room or just nod in agreement and then go on about their merry way.
Sometimes, when I find myself doing the dishes late after dinner and my child is aimlessly watching television or when I am mowing the grass as my child lazes by the pool, I wonder where I went wrong? How can they let me slave away, as they sit there, doing nothing to help? Perhaps, I ask too much for one their age, or perhaps they do not see. But, as a parent, I can't give up. I simply try harder to lead them in the right direction.
Of all we say and preach and plead, I think nothing holds a candle to the most powerful lessons that we teach our children; the lessons that we really teach, through our actions. My heart always swells when my spouse comes in the kitchen, perhaps more tired than I, and pitches in. I am touched when they come out into the yard with cold lemonade and take the mower as I pass, smilingly pushing me down in the hammock, taking over, so that I can rest. I hope my children see these gifts of love. But, even if they do not see all of the examples, I am sure that they can see the results.
Raising a giving child takes giving parents. I try to remember that it is only a gift when you get nothing in return and that the real joys in life come from receiving smiles. Perhaps it is only by raising children who are full of love and have a giving spirits that we can truly influence their choice of loving, giving partners.